the sweetest tongue

educating straight men on queer

Friday, March 1st, 2002 | Uncategorized | No Comments

educating straight men on queer relationships
After breakfast with Mike and Rick today (Thursday morning), Mike asked me a question about gay couples. He asked about the myth that in gay relationships, there has to be a female and male roles filled out. This means that there will be a dominating half, and the other half will be submissive and somewhat feminine. I poo-poo that. Yes, I do admit that there are relationships like that. but i feel that the perpetration of such roles is due to what I call heterosexual relationship pressure the truth about gay relationships is that the most equal relationship has been formed. There is no pressure on either partner to be the submissive or dominating one. Each partner will find his own role in the relationship. Personally, I believe in equal relationships. I hate roles. Mike says that this idea was inspired from that fabulous movie The birdcage with Nathan Lane and Robin Williams. Nathan lane represents the “mother” role, while hairy Robin is the “father.” While I do love the movie, it is such films that perpetuates gay stereotypes. Mike says that in a relationship, i will definitely be the “father”. Bullcrap. I am personally a possibly in-between. Sometimes I want to be dominating, and sometimes I want to be submissive. I love children. And I ever have children, I want the relationship and the childcare to be a cooperative thing between my partner and me. Because it doesn’t matter which parent is the mother or father. What matters is that both parents love their children.

Added a couple of new

Tuesday, February 26th, 2002 | Uncategorized | No Comments

Added a couple of new poems to my archives..
Look, no Action
Untitled

Okay. Damn. I’m going to

Tuesday, February 26th, 2002 | Uncategorized | No Comments

Okay. Damn. I’m going to rewrite my Forensics speech. teh competition is two weeks away, and my piece is a mess. I’m opting dramatic. And it’s gonna be personal. But how can i do it? I’m so damn messed up right now…

It’s official. I’m out of

Tuesday, February 26th, 2002 | Uncategorized | No Comments

It’s official.
I’m out of the closet. At least to all of my friends. All thsi time I always thought that I would lose them because of my sexuality. but as it turns out, most of them already assumed or knew that I was gay, for quite some time now, and that only recent events have verified their suspicions.
I don’t get it. Was it my lack of talking about girls or sex (easily attributed to either perrsonal lack of sex experience or gentleman manners), or was it my manner? I don’t remember acting feminine except in some performances in which I was asked to do so, so what was it? What was that revealing factor? Am I really that bad in hiding my sexuality?
I’m remembering some past events…..

Spring 1999 - In the girl’s dressing room backstage of the musical Oliver, I remark to my dear friend Irene, who was dressing up. “You do not arouse me.” She took it as a insult, but I was telling the truth.
All of my Forensics speeches always has at least one effeminate character. And I was damn good at that, I remember…

okay. So that’s it. What will happen next? So far the response has been great. I know every day is not a blue sunny day. One day I will be hit with some backlash. And I wonder if I will be ready for it.

I feel so damn isolated.

Monday, February 25th, 2002 | Uncategorized | No Comments

I feel so damn isolated. I think I’m basically out now, and while the response has been great, I am still waiting, well, at least looking for someone who can relate to me in my experience in school and in being gay. in a school of over 300 students, where are all the gay kids?

its crush time While Noche

Monday, February 25th, 2002 | Uncategorized | No Comments

its crush time
While Noche Puertorrique?a is over, and the rest of the free world is safe once again, there are still other pressing matters for the Stan Man to attend to. March 9th is D-Day for the Forensics Team of Saint John’s. We will show the world that we are worthy, that we are the best. And my piece isn’t done. I need to better integrate my piece into a message, and I’m fresh out of ideas. damn,.

okay. Sorry if the last

Sunday, February 24th, 2002 | Uncategorized | No Comments

okay. Sorry if the last entry sounded kinda intense. I’m a man of passion, and writing is my way of expressing the passion. It is not everyday that i have a source of passion for my writing. So if you read it and feel concerned, don’t. Passion brings out the best and worst in people.

I have lost all capability

Saturday, February 23rd, 2002 | Uncategorized | No Comments

I have lost all capability to love.
I got into a big fight with my mother today because I declined to send my grandmother off at the airport. She had been staying with us for 5 months, and she was off to my aunt’s in Chicago. I had a headache, and was still recovering from a stressful week preparing for Noche Puertorrique?a. (I don’t know about this headache. I’ve been having this headache for weeks now. And no aspirin or un-aspiring seems to be working.) The first thing my mom says about me not going is that I was needed to carry the luggage. That sure didn’t say much about what she thinks of me. the second thing is that she thinks that I was beign disrespectful to her and her mom (my grandma) by not going. But my grandma told me to stay. So I relent and agree to go, but she’s still pissed, and doesn’t let me go, kicking me out of the car while it was still moving. Go figure. I still feel bad that I couldn’t see my grandma off, but she just thinks that I just didn’t want to go. She’s just as stubborn as I am. i spend the rest of the time before she and my sis Cin came back from the airport spending time with my youngest sis Jan, and practicing some Calculus after a long hiatus.
the return
She comes back, and goes into a big lecture about respect and me thinking that I am the big guy who thinks that he is the most important guy in the world. She thinks that I had somehow put my school life above my family. That i had no respect for her or anyone else. That I help my dad around only out of pity. That I never do anything for our family. That is not true. It is out of respect that I do anything for my family, my dad, my mom, my sisters, and my brother. And yes, even my grandma. but there is something else other than respect. There is also love. And somehow, through all these years, my family had lost this love. The only love I feel now is for my little Jan. She’s the innocent one. The one who still has hope. The one who really makes me feel like I am a brother. Part of a family. Those seven years in Singapore I regret because those seven years were seven years of having no sense of family. And somewhere inside of me, a place turned cold and dark. Coming back, I realized that I was no longer part of this family. I believe in give and take. If you give me respect, I will give you respect. I may have lost respect, but not love. I still love my family. They just don’t know it, because somehow, this family doesn’t know love anymore. And I will always be a nobody.
It’s like, I do all of these things in school (clubs, activities, newspapers) and I show others that I can do them. Last night I had the culmination of my High School career in the most successful Noche Puertorrique?a in many years. But it became a success to me not when the event ended, and after I saw the people leave, but when my mom said “Good job.” of course, it was only after all these other mothers she knew told her what a good job I did. but it was the work fo the whole Student Council and other mothers that made it a success, not I. teh thign is, it was and is very rare to hear any word of encouragement form my mom. Every day, all she seems to see is the negative side of things. She criticizes and demeans me every waking day of my life. I alwasy try harder, always try to make things perfect, but nothing is ever enough. Why should it? Everything I do is always compared against her own life. She says that just because i read more books, and studied more, I had become in my mind oh so much greater than she has. But that’s not true. I always think of her as a genius, a formidable woman who knew her things. But by giving birth to me, did she automatically become the know-all of how life is run? I know I am still young, and I do have much to learn, but so does she. Every waking moment is a learning moment. And everyone learns different things. Books and school don’t mean anything in life. It is life’s lessons that really impact you. And make you what you are. And for me, it has made me a husk, an empty shell that I am trying to fill.

Added a new poem Shhh!

Thursday, February 21st, 2002 | Uncategorized | No Comments

Added a new poem
Shhh! I’ve Got A Secret!

so much to say before

Thursday, February 21st, 2002 | Uncategorized | No Comments

so much to say before the memory loss sets in

Well, let me update you onw what happened this week so far –

Monday (geeky)- okay, so I am an obsessive guy. I spent a good part of my day sleeping. (Woke up at 2 in the afternoon. What else could I do?) I basically spend the rest of the day working on some designs for the school web-site. (How ultra-geeky of me.) I have two designs made, and i gave the links to the headmaster to look at and criticize. They are at eggroll and creator1984. I sent the sites out to people to look at, and most people think creator1984 is the better looking one. Ironically, the design was rejected by the ex-headmaster, for reasons unknown. I agree. eggroll was kinda the one I made on the spur of the moment. At least both are better than the one right now. But whatever. I just want my school to look good.

Tuesday (got a tan, ready to flaunt it) - After a four-day weekend, what can you expect of me? Okay, so you think I would be well-rested or at least alert. but I wasn’t. the arrangements for Noche Puertorrique?a are gettign really hectic. And so are the plans for Forensics! Argh! Too many things! plus four articles and sumaries on local corruption were assigned in PR history to be done. Sure, I can write summaries, but it is the fact that I have to translate from spanish. I am no reader of spanish. I’ve lived here on this island for a total of 11 years, and I still can’t read or speak spanish fluently. I’ve recently heard a friend’s Oratoria (Spanish Forensics) speech. It was really intense, but the only words I understood were “Sangre” (Blood) “Sangre” (Blood), and “Dictador” (Dictator). but I think I got the message. They have their competition thsi Saturday. Maybe I will go. At least show them that I support them. *Digital camera was in my hands the whole day. Couldn’t help it, but I took pictures of the One (remember him?). Lately He’s been the fixation of many of my thoughts. Oh well. But he’s straight. And I’m not exactly the kind of guy with the looks to make staright guys change their mind, if you know what I mean.

Wednesday (it caught up with me) - Spending the night before translating articles in spanish word for word and writign sumaries is not a good thing. All those nights of staying up late and sleeping three to five hours has finally caught up with me. I caught a bug last week, which resulted in some sniffing and coughing over the weekend. And a sniffy nose during sex isn’t really nice looking. (Oh! Oh! *sniff* Oh! *snort* *sniff*) You get the picture. Not pretty. but Tuesday morning I wake up with the worse headache and sore throat I have ever experienced. I couldn’t open my eyes properly ala Thom Yorke, but i dressed and was on the way to school. i passed by the school left soem instructions, and left. I slept till 5 in the afternoon. by then I felt so much better. i think I just needed a holiday. The stress is really getting to me. but thanks to friends who can tolerate my eccentric behavior, Ithink Ican make it. I won’t ever have to suffer through ther nervous breakdown I had last year. note; Drank noodle soup and porridge. Not exactly filling.
*Ugh! I find out that the class picture that was scheduled for today was postponed because a certain LADYwho was supposed to take the picture did not show up. that woman is really driving me nuts. just another pound of worry on my wrinkled mind.

Thursday (all better, no sweat, open book) - Missing a day of school due to illness isn’t that bad. Not that much homework missed, and I guess everythign is fine. I’m really getting stressed about this Noche Puertorrique?a thing. What happens if it bombs? I mean, what will I do? I try my best, you know. Sometimes you just have to go your distance. But I am only human.
Highlights of the day:

–Taking pictures of my classmates.

–Upgrading school yearbook computer (how geeky is that?)

–Having lunch with Mike and John. ( I find out afterwards that Mike already knows my deep dark secret. I’m very glad because I totally did now know what his reaction was gonna be. And I sure didn’t want to lose a freindship. Two hours later, another clsoe friend tells me that her boyfriend told her that he knows the secret too. (The secret: I’m gay. homo. queer. in need of a boyfriend.) And more peopel may know! But it’s not an issue. Whoever you are, thanks for understanding. And if you are gay or queer too, drop me a line. I am always willing to help and listen.)

*Yippee! Finished final draft of my Forensics speech! I’ve integrated an Arnold Schwarznegger character (hasta la vista, baby!) and hick rebel son who smokes crack. very funny. Needs polishing, though.