the sweetest tongue

Wednesday musings.

Thursday, April 21st, 2005 | I'm a bitch and I know it.

Here I am, sitting down in my dining room (now dining room/lounge), waiting for my rice to cook as I enjoy a drink of raspberry rum and sprite. It’s never too early to enjoy a fruity alcoholic drink. I realize that my apartment looks gorgeous in the sunset, the orange light streaming through my windows, and I wish that I could enjoy the sunset with someone else. The alcohol is already getting to me, and I’m glad that no one is here to witness the red face that is asian drunkenness. Believe me, it isn’t a pretty sight.

As I think about how busy I have been this past weekend, rushing to work, rushing home, deciding to bake and cook at 11 o’clock on a Sunday night, and finally watching the Incredibles on Saturday night, and think that maybe, while I am at a point of my life where I want companionship and intimacy, maybe I just need to slow down a bit, and realize that it is just not in the cards.

I am struck suddenly by some of my past regrets. The first time I asked someone to dance with me, it was in in a club in Miami, and I told him he was too cute to be dancing against the wall by himself. We danced, and he gave me his number. I never called him back, not because I wasn’t interested, but because I got caught up in my own insecurities. The same thing happened with Frank from the bathhouse, a white Cuban with whom I snuggled with for hours and fucked with the door open for all to see. Kenneth, Korean-American transplant, a late night tryst with whom I shared so much in common, but whom I conveniently forgot to call. And so many others, now that I look back, I realize I have been unkind to. I never said that I was perfect. but I know I have been in the wrong.

I made a cd mix for J last week, just something to help him relax. Some Melissa Etheridge, k.d. Lang, Elton John, and Rufus Wainwright. I guess I secretly wanted to introduce him to queer rock.

I have been feeling quite confident lately, but maybe it is the alcohol or warm April weather.

Listening to: Driver Education from the album “Prom” by Amy Ray

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